It all started in late May 2013, a young 16 year old me had been looking for a job since March, when her mother told her a new Hobbycraft store was opening in Eastbourne and was hiring all ages and all availabilities, this was my moment, I applied and was told I would hear back in four weeks or less. Four weeks went by and no reply came from Hobbycraft so I forgot about it and asked for a volunteer position at the cafe inside out town's hospital. It was the day before I accepted my position there when Hobbycraft called me in for an interview just two days later. I told the woman running the volunteer ran cafe that I would have to delay the acceptance for a while, which she was very happy to do for me. So I went to the interview scrubbed up in my mum's blouse and an old school skirt (money saving skillz) and my recent card making (by recent I mean I made them the night before).
This interview was not what I had expected though, we were allowed to do some crafting and it was, by all means, fun, I made sure to talk to everyone, aware that we were being watched and this was clearly to assess our communication and social skills as well as our ability to learn new crafts. (I stuck to decopatch, something I knew I could do) and soon I was called in for my official interview.
It's worth mentioning that I was nervous during the introductions so I didn't listen or absorb the information they gave us of the names of the people who would be doing the interviews. The man interviewing me, it turns out, was my manager, but lord knows I didn't know that until after the interview, but I'm kind of glad, I probably would have been much more nervous if I had known.
The interview, as far as I was concerned, went okay, but I knew I had fucked up a couple of things, but I left and didn't think I'd hear from them again, but they called me and offered me a four hour contract, which was fine for me, I only needed a few hours every weekend as I was also going to be going to college that year.
The manager, it turns out, was awful, just truly awful, I found him irritating and just not very friendly, proven by his attitude on his last day when he quit and was just very rude to every customer. Luckily he wasn't there for very long.
Apart from him, I really liked my colleagues and I was paid money to do things I enjoyed and was already doing for free with my beaver scout group. I was very happy!
Unfortunately, though, the reality of retail soon caught up with me. On the whole I got on well with customers and I didn't mind doing the little annoying tasks like stocking buttons or fiddly paper craft stuff, but there was a handful experiences that made me understand how difficult retail can be.
One time someone asked to sniff my hair.
This is not a joke, a man literally asked to sniff my hair. It was scary. At the time I had a pink and blue ends on my hair (and they looked terrible, but that's not the point) anyway, for ease at work I wore my hair in two plaits either side of my head. This man had bought probably the cheapest item we offer, a small pack of chocolate buttons. I completed the transaction and was asking him things like how his day was, standard small talk. Then this happens:
"You have lovely hair,"
"Thank you! Would you like a bag with that?"
"Can I smell your hair?"
"..."
"Please"
"Sorry, no, no thank you, here's your receipt,"
"Please, I promise I'll leave once I've smelt it,"
"No, you may not smell my hair, is there anything else I can help you with today sir?"
"Can you at least tell me what it smells like, I just have this thing..."
"um... I mean... I use an apple scented shampoo so... Apples?"
He then moans/sighs and then takes his item and leaves. It was terrifying! It was probably the third most terrifying interaction I've had in my entire life.
Anyway, so apart from that and some very rude customers, I've actually enjoyed my time at Hobbycraft. My colleagues and regular customers have been wonderful to see every week and I am going to miss it!
I did look into a transfer to another store, closer to Bangor, but I had no luck, so I will be having to start somewhere new when I arrive at University.
But I have to lend my thanks to Hobbycraft for hiring me even though I had no retail experience and, despite some weird experiences, being a very very good first job. Thank you to my managers, and thank you to my colleagues and customers, and last of all a massive thank you to my mum for giving me a lift to work every day you can.
On to the next adventure.
As always feel free to leave a comment below, maybe tell me your experiences with jobs you've had.
Until next time,
Stephanie
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Confidence Series: Introduction
I will be starting a new series where I discuss my journey on the path to confidence in myself and in my actions and thoughts. I was never a very confident person. After suffering with depression and anxiety in silence for so many years I hoarded a lot of self hate and found it was way easier for me to beat myself up over things than let someone else do it for me. (which they still did, as discussed in a previous post I was bullied).
It hurt less when they did it because they were just confirming what I already know, but I'm getting better now, my confidence has probably tripled by now and it only grows each day. And I want to make note of this journey I've been on and maybe impart some wisdom on the way so join me, if you will, and see what I have to say on the topic.
I look forward to seeing your responses to the first post which will be going up on Friday 14th at 8pm GMT. (So that's London time)
Until then,
Stephanie
It hurt less when they did it because they were just confirming what I already know, but I'm getting better now, my confidence has probably tripled by now and it only grows each day. And I want to make note of this journey I've been on and maybe impart some wisdom on the way so join me, if you will, and see what I have to say on the topic.
I look forward to seeing your responses to the first post which will be going up on Friday 14th at 8pm GMT. (So that's London time)
Until then,
Stephanie
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Falling Back in Love with Reading
It feels great to be able to say that I am back in the swing of things and reading and buying books after nearly two years of suffering with "reader's block"! It was terrible, I just couldn't get into any of the books I wanted to read or any that I had to read for my college course. (My friend Shannon has more than a couple of things to say about my lack of reading of The Great Gatsby)
Recently I went into town with my friend Glenn and bought so many books and I can't wait to read them all. I've started with something really easy to read, no plot, just a book full of advice. It's called "Life with a Sprinkle of Glitter" by a Youtuber called Louise Pentland. It's not that intellectually stimulating, but it has given me lots of great advice for University.
My next book will probably be Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn which is highly recommended by almost everyone, but especially my good friends Rachael and Shannon who keep talking about it and I'm getting serious FOMO so I am definitely going to read it before the end of the year.
I tell myself the reason I fell out of love with reading was just a combination of the time I was putting into College and work instead of trying to relax every now and then, and it has just been very difficult for me to find books that really entice me and it's made me very sad. (Reading was always something that provided me with so much warmth and comfort.)
But I think the real reason, if I'm honest with myself, is the bout of depression I have been suffering with. They say when you suffer with anxiety and depression you stop doing things you enjoy, or find little joy in them anymore, and I think that's true, for me anyway. I know depression is different for everyone.
When I came home from my time in town with my friend Glenn I just took a moment to look at the books, not even reading any of them, just flicking through the pages and feeling the rough paper against my fingertips. And the smell, I forgot how good books can smell, for me, they smell like home. I can't wait to lose myself in their pages, forget I'm turning them and forget the words I'm reading and just live in the story. I've missed that feeling so much and I have only just realised it, but now I am excited, excited to welcome back the part of my life I regret losing the most through this terrible dark time.
I can't for sure say that this won't happen again, but I hope more than anything that it doesn't, I am already leaving that place behind me and, with the next adventure of my life being University, and the distance I am planning on going for it, hopefully this can be a fresh start for me and my books.
Okay this has gotten seriously soppy now so I think I am going to leave it here and go and finish Life with a Sprinkle of Glitter so I can move onto the next book.
As always let me know what you think of this post and please recommend some of your favourite books to me so I can buy more of them!
Until next time,
Stephanie.
Recently I went into town with my friend Glenn and bought so many books and I can't wait to read them all. I've started with something really easy to read, no plot, just a book full of advice. It's called "Life with a Sprinkle of Glitter" by a Youtuber called Louise Pentland. It's not that intellectually stimulating, but it has given me lots of great advice for University.
My next book will probably be Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn which is highly recommended by almost everyone, but especially my good friends Rachael and Shannon who keep talking about it and I'm getting serious FOMO so I am definitely going to read it before the end of the year.
I tell myself the reason I fell out of love with reading was just a combination of the time I was putting into College and work instead of trying to relax every now and then, and it has just been very difficult for me to find books that really entice me and it's made me very sad. (Reading was always something that provided me with so much warmth and comfort.)
But I think the real reason, if I'm honest with myself, is the bout of depression I have been suffering with. They say when you suffer with anxiety and depression you stop doing things you enjoy, or find little joy in them anymore, and I think that's true, for me anyway. I know depression is different for everyone.
When I came home from my time in town with my friend Glenn I just took a moment to look at the books, not even reading any of them, just flicking through the pages and feeling the rough paper against my fingertips. And the smell, I forgot how good books can smell, for me, they smell like home. I can't wait to lose myself in their pages, forget I'm turning them and forget the words I'm reading and just live in the story. I've missed that feeling so much and I have only just realised it, but now I am excited, excited to welcome back the part of my life I regret losing the most through this terrible dark time.
I can't for sure say that this won't happen again, but I hope more than anything that it doesn't, I am already leaving that place behind me and, with the next adventure of my life being University, and the distance I am planning on going for it, hopefully this can be a fresh start for me and my books.
Okay this has gotten seriously soppy now so I think I am going to leave it here and go and finish Life with a Sprinkle of Glitter so I can move onto the next book.
As always let me know what you think of this post and please recommend some of your favourite books to me so I can buy more of them!
Until next time,
Stephanie.
Monday, 27 July 2015
Dear 10 Year Old Me
Dear 10 year old me,
This is a warning.
You're about to go into Secondary school and only one of your friends from Primary school will be joining you. This makes you happy, but you don't know what's to come. You and she drift apart, it's not something that bothers you anymore, but at the time it sucked so much, you thought that was what would eventually happen to all of your friendships, but I promise it doesn't.
You make it through the first half of your first year with an abundance of friends, you have never been this popular before, almost everyone in your classes seems to get along with you and you have a nice big group of friends who seem to care for you, you even get a boyfriend (he turns out to bat for the other team, but you're still really good friends with him), everything seems to be going so well for you, but it wasn't destined to last. One by one you lose friends and you lose faith in the people around you ever liking you from the start.
Then the bullying starts. Everyone is turning against you, people you once called best friends, people you held on such high pedestals it's hardly surprising you fell when they did. By the end of your first year you only have one friend. But you don't mind because she is a good friend. It's the bullying that gets to you. It's relentless, you consider calling in sick, feigning an illness so terrible you never have to see those people again, but you love school so much that you keep going, no matter what you have to learn because that spark in you is still there.
But I have some bad news for you, you turn into a bitch, you pick on those less fortunate than you because you don't yet realise that you can be better than them and take the high road. You harbour all your hate for these bullies and you force others to endure that hatred, you feel better for a split second, it means someone else understands how you feel, but then you feel guilty because you feel like shit and to realise that you made someone else feel this way makes it feel like a knife is being stabbed into your stomach and twisted round and round until there's nothing left. But you don't learn until much later.
Second year ends and you still only have one friend, but you enjoy your summer with your family, always with your family, never with friends. And when you return for your third year, that one friend you held onto through the bullying, stops talking to you. You don't know why and you begin writing lists of reasons someone could hate you, but reading back on them you realise these are just reasons you hate yourself and you do, you think you need others to justify your happiness. You cry out for a friend and one day...someone hears you.
You begin with one friend that you make in science class and through them you meet more and more people. It took you a while, but you got there again.
In fourth year one friend in particular becomes someone very dear to you and you have to admire her because she has forgiven you for all the shit you unloaded onto her in second year. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't thank your lucky stars to have found her because she inspires you everyday to be ruthless in dealing with terrible, poisonous people, and you used to be one of them for her. She slays you and all your faves. (And I'm sure she'll love reading this, I do hate being this sentimental)
Secondary school, for this reason, is both the best and worst part of your life so far. A lot of me thinks it's the reason you're still messed up emotionally (you were way worse until about a month ago).
And that's really what this letter is about, to remind myself and other people that it does get better. I've definitely taken myself to dark places that I thought I would never get out of, but a small group of people have helped me overcome this terrible sadness that loomed over me and I really want to credit them, but I don't want to do it on here in such an impersonal way. I hope you know who you are, whether it's comforting me when I drink and cry, when I sober cry, when I need a laugh, or just don't want to be alone, you all sit with me, invite me over for movie nights and just make my days brighter.
I love you all, and to 10 year old me I say, from this position I'm in now, I wouldn't change a thing because without those shitty years, you might not be where you are today.
Until next time,
Stephanie
This is a warning.
You're about to go into Secondary school and only one of your friends from Primary school will be joining you. This makes you happy, but you don't know what's to come. You and she drift apart, it's not something that bothers you anymore, but at the time it sucked so much, you thought that was what would eventually happen to all of your friendships, but I promise it doesn't.
You make it through the first half of your first year with an abundance of friends, you have never been this popular before, almost everyone in your classes seems to get along with you and you have a nice big group of friends who seem to care for you, you even get a boyfriend (he turns out to bat for the other team, but you're still really good friends with him), everything seems to be going so well for you, but it wasn't destined to last. One by one you lose friends and you lose faith in the people around you ever liking you from the start.
Then the bullying starts. Everyone is turning against you, people you once called best friends, people you held on such high pedestals it's hardly surprising you fell when they did. By the end of your first year you only have one friend. But you don't mind because she is a good friend. It's the bullying that gets to you. It's relentless, you consider calling in sick, feigning an illness so terrible you never have to see those people again, but you love school so much that you keep going, no matter what you have to learn because that spark in you is still there.
But I have some bad news for you, you turn into a bitch, you pick on those less fortunate than you because you don't yet realise that you can be better than them and take the high road. You harbour all your hate for these bullies and you force others to endure that hatred, you feel better for a split second, it means someone else understands how you feel, but then you feel guilty because you feel like shit and to realise that you made someone else feel this way makes it feel like a knife is being stabbed into your stomach and twisted round and round until there's nothing left. But you don't learn until much later.
Second year ends and you still only have one friend, but you enjoy your summer with your family, always with your family, never with friends. And when you return for your third year, that one friend you held onto through the bullying, stops talking to you. You don't know why and you begin writing lists of reasons someone could hate you, but reading back on them you realise these are just reasons you hate yourself and you do, you think you need others to justify your happiness. You cry out for a friend and one day...someone hears you.
You begin with one friend that you make in science class and through them you meet more and more people. It took you a while, but you got there again.
In fourth year one friend in particular becomes someone very dear to you and you have to admire her because she has forgiven you for all the shit you unloaded onto her in second year. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't thank your lucky stars to have found her because she inspires you everyday to be ruthless in dealing with terrible, poisonous people, and you used to be one of them for her. She slays you and all your faves. (And I'm sure she'll love reading this, I do hate being this sentimental)
Secondary school, for this reason, is both the best and worst part of your life so far. A lot of me thinks it's the reason you're still messed up emotionally (you were way worse until about a month ago).
And that's really what this letter is about, to remind myself and other people that it does get better. I've definitely taken myself to dark places that I thought I would never get out of, but a small group of people have helped me overcome this terrible sadness that loomed over me and I really want to credit them, but I don't want to do it on here in such an impersonal way. I hope you know who you are, whether it's comforting me when I drink and cry, when I sober cry, when I need a laugh, or just don't want to be alone, you all sit with me, invite me over for movie nights and just make my days brighter.
I love you all, and to 10 year old me I say, from this position I'm in now, I wouldn't change a thing because without those shitty years, you might not be where you are today.
Until next time,
Stephanie
Head's up...
The next post is in a very different format, and it is another honest personal one, very much like my "Relationship with a Working Mother" this one will be called "Dear 10 Year Old Me" and it is a letter to myself when I was ten... 8 years ago... wow! So yeah, be prepared and let me know if it's not a style you like or whatever.
See you in a bit,
Stephanie
See you in a bit,
Stephanie
Sunday, 26 July 2015
PIXAR!!!
I have been a fan of Pixar for my entire life, they have made 15 major motion pictures and 15 consecutive blockbusters, no joke, these people know how to create a good movie. If I had access to a time machine I would, and this is no lie, I would go back to the time they were creating Toy Story (The original) just to be a part of that magic. Everything about Pixar movies makes me love them more and more.
Perhaps the only movies to come out of Pixar that I do not enjoy are all the sequels to Cars (I am including Planes etc. as sequels even if I know they aren't). But don't get me wrong the first Cars is a decent movie, it just didn't need a sequel.
In order my least favourite to favourite Pixar movies (based on the wikipedia list here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Pixar_films ) are:
15- Cars 2
14- Cars
13- Ratatouille
12- Brave (I know it's very pro-women, I just love the other Pixar movies too much, they're my childhood)
11- WALL-E
10- Monster's University
9- Up
8- Finding Nemo
7- Toy Story 3
6- Monster's Inc.
5- A Bug's Life
4- The Incredibles
3- Toy Story
2- Toy Story 2
1- Inside Out
I think Inside Out and Toy Story 2 are pretty interchangeable for me, but because Inside Out is so fresh in my mind, that one is going first.
Speaking of Inside Out, I saw it today and it was incredible, I recommend it highly to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. At the beginning, before the movie there is a short called "Lava" I cried from about halfway through that to the end of the movie. I was overwhelmed with the brilliantly creative storyline, the difference and similarities between all the emotions. Riley's life in parallel was just all done so well. And the ending was so good, so funny, so heartwarming, I can tell this will become a staple in Pixar's history.
As I've gotten older I've come around to the critical thinking of most bloggers (as I'm sure you can tell based on my posts) and when watching a movie I try to look at the positives because filmmaking must be bloody difficult, but I also enjoy looking at the negatives. Call me pessimistic or picky or whatever, but it's nice, as far as I am concerned, to be able to pick apart a movie and look at it from every perspective.
So with Inside Out for instance, whilst there was a female protagonist who was able to express every emotion, not just the typically "feminine" ones, and relationships with parents and her relationship with herself were explored thoroughly, there were no primary POC in Riley's life and no real look into sexuality (although she is only 11 and was only just beginning to think about boys and such). That being said Mindy Kaling, who voiced disgust is a POC and she was freaking awesome in this movie. There was equal representation of men and women within Riley's emotions and overall I would say I have no real complaints about the movie at all. (Except my mascara ran something rotten)
But yeah, the next Pixar movie is called "The Good Dinosaur" and the first trailer has been released... I have no comment on whether it looks good or not yet as the trailer doesn't appear to give anything away yet, but it will be really interesting to see more. (Also Toy Story 4 has been confirmed so fucking get in with that one, although they are hinting it won't be about Buzz and Woody so I will be sad because Tom Hanks is my favourite actor and Tim Allen slays all my faves as Buzz Lightyear)
So to summarise, Pixar is my favourite film making company, if anyone wants to get me to the Pixar Studios I will love you forever, and if Pete Docter or John Lasseter, or any Pixar employee wants to tell me if the rumours about Toy Story 4 are true or not then feel free.
As always feel free to leave a comment below about your Pixar opinions, whether you disagree with my top 15 list or not.
Until next time,
Stephanie
Perhaps the only movies to come out of Pixar that I do not enjoy are all the sequels to Cars (I am including Planes etc. as sequels even if I know they aren't). But don't get me wrong the first Cars is a decent movie, it just didn't need a sequel.
In order my least favourite to favourite Pixar movies (based on the wikipedia list here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Pixar_films ) are:
15- Cars 2
14- Cars
13- Ratatouille
12- Brave (I know it's very pro-women, I just love the other Pixar movies too much, they're my childhood)
11- WALL-E
10- Monster's University
9- Up
8- Finding Nemo
7- Toy Story 3
6- Monster's Inc.
5- A Bug's Life
4- The Incredibles
3- Toy Story
2- Toy Story 2
1- Inside Out
I think Inside Out and Toy Story 2 are pretty interchangeable for me, but because Inside Out is so fresh in my mind, that one is going first.
Speaking of Inside Out, I saw it today and it was incredible, I recommend it highly to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. At the beginning, before the movie there is a short called "Lava" I cried from about halfway through that to the end of the movie. I was overwhelmed with the brilliantly creative storyline, the difference and similarities between all the emotions. Riley's life in parallel was just all done so well. And the ending was so good, so funny, so heartwarming, I can tell this will become a staple in Pixar's history.
As I've gotten older I've come around to the critical thinking of most bloggers (as I'm sure you can tell based on my posts) and when watching a movie I try to look at the positives because filmmaking must be bloody difficult, but I also enjoy looking at the negatives. Call me pessimistic or picky or whatever, but it's nice, as far as I am concerned, to be able to pick apart a movie and look at it from every perspective.
So with Inside Out for instance, whilst there was a female protagonist who was able to express every emotion, not just the typically "feminine" ones, and relationships with parents and her relationship with herself were explored thoroughly, there were no primary POC in Riley's life and no real look into sexuality (although she is only 11 and was only just beginning to think about boys and such). That being said Mindy Kaling, who voiced disgust is a POC and she was freaking awesome in this movie. There was equal representation of men and women within Riley's emotions and overall I would say I have no real complaints about the movie at all. (Except my mascara ran something rotten)
But yeah, the next Pixar movie is called "The Good Dinosaur" and the first trailer has been released... I have no comment on whether it looks good or not yet as the trailer doesn't appear to give anything away yet, but it will be really interesting to see more. (Also Toy Story 4 has been confirmed so fucking get in with that one, although they are hinting it won't be about Buzz and Woody so I will be sad because Tom Hanks is my favourite actor and Tim Allen slays all my faves as Buzz Lightyear)
So to summarise, Pixar is my favourite film making company, if anyone wants to get me to the Pixar Studios I will love you forever, and if Pete Docter or John Lasseter, or any Pixar employee wants to tell me if the rumours about Toy Story 4 are true or not then feel free.
As always feel free to leave a comment below about your Pixar opinions, whether you disagree with my top 15 list or not.
Until next time,
Stephanie
Monday, 20 July 2015
Finishing College: A Whirlwind of Emotions (Bit of a Ramble)
College is a really weird thing to wrap your head around in the UK. It's sort of a University waiting ground, a purgatory if you will. I was discussing it with one of my online American friends and she thought I was complaining about University, but College is not 18-whenever you finish your degree, here it's 16-18 and I don't know thinking about it weirds me out a little.
I'm going to break this down into sections... The first of which is called:
Friends
Let me begin by describing the positives of this aspect of college.
I discovered a great way to make friends. I walked in on my first day and met these two weirdos I now consider two of my closest friends. One of which was wearing a necklace with her name on it (this officially made her the first person ever whose name I remembered after the first time I met her) and this other girl whose graphic t-shirts brighten my day (Captain Obvious being my favourite, Lumpy Space Princess being another as it was the first t-shirt to bond me to another human being (ugh that sounds odd)) So yeah, my advice, do a quick scan of the items of clothing someone has chosen to wear on the first day of college (they usually pick it for a reason) and talk to them about it. They'll be glad you noticed and you'll have found a less awkward way to introduce yourself. BAM! I am the master of making friends (that is not true at all and I can't be held responsible for any mistakes you make)
I also made other friends, but most of my close friends remained the same as they all came to the same college as me.
The flip-side of this is that I lost one great friend to the unknown world of the college that you don't have to catch a train to. I always was quite level headed and from a very young age I knew that most of the people you meet in your life won't be your friend forever, but I, admittedly, have discovered that I am bad at keeping in contact with people. I feel weird messaging first on Facebook for fear of becoming annoying and I don't communicate well over Facebook anyway because I have a sarcastic sense of humour and that doesn't convey very well in real life (let alone on the virtual plaines)
This is where my first doubt for going to University comes in.
This September I will be leaving rainy England for even rainier North Wales. I will be attending Bangor University and the thought of being 345 miles away from my hometown scares the shit out of me! Practically all of my family live here and most, if not all, of my friends do too. On top of this the majority of people don't/aren't moving too far away from their hometowns and I feel if I had chosen somewhere closer to home then I would have felt a lot better about it.
(That being said I was going to move to Germany so North Wales is a little closer)
Depression and Anxiety
This section is definitely a little bit harder for me to write so bear with me.
During my time at college I have come face to face with the two-headed beast named Depression and Anxiety and I feel (on my stronger days) that I have conquered it, decapitated it to the point of no return, but there is (and I fear always will be) a little ghost of a whisper at the back of my mind that it could do a Jesus and resurrect itself. University is my main trigger at the moment.
Anecdote time! About a week ago I dropped my bowl of muesli and yoghurt. I never eat breakfast, but my body was craving some, so I gave into temptation and made myself this healthy food of deliciousness. When I dropped it the bowl smashed, and muesli and yoghurt splashed all over the floor and up onto the cupboards. It was at this point I decided to tiptoe around it and sit down on the one clear patch of floor and just cry! I cried and cried and cried constantly chanting in my head how I wasn't ready to be an adult or go to Uni or move out of home. (Yes I really am that pathetic ladies and gentlemen)
Of course I soon realised what I was doing and what it must have looked like and I got up, mopped the floor and cleaned the cupboards and toasted some bread (needless to say I was not in the mood for muesli anymore) and by the time my mum returned from work she was none the wiser to my little incident.
That's just one example. Another one is that I have started buying some supplies for Uni and I have boxed up some stuff and everything, and I keep it all in a closed cupboard. Everytime I look at the boxes in that cupboard I feel sick to my stomach and almost have a mini panic attack. (It's not great when it's the same cupboard my clothes are kept in and I see these boxes every morning.
On a happier note, I did talk to some people who are in Uni or are moving to Bangor like me and they all feel similar and they all seem nice so I'm hoping it'll sort itself out. (If I keep telling myself that does it go away... probs not)
Siblings
My brothers and I have always been a little bit distant from each other so when I say siblings I really mean "sibling" and most specifically, my little sister, whose relationship with me is a little bit touch and go. Like most little sisters she takes my stuff without asking and she argues with me and she drives me up the fucking wall, but like most older sisters I always end up forgiving her and we get back on track.
She is very sad about me leaving University and if you know me at all (even just by reading my other personal blog post... LINK: http://controversy-in-modesty.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/my-relationship-with-working-mother.html?updated-min=2014-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2015-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=11 ) I am very nervous about leaving her at home as well, but I feel like she's handling it by being even more difficult to live with. It feels a bit like she's giving me the middle finger as I leave for 3-5 years, but what do I know? She's a teenager and she has her own problems.
That's all I really have to say on that matter, it's a massive:
? ? ?
Summer
I'm aware I haven't really discussed exams in this, but it's just because there's not much anxiety there for me, of course I'm nervous, but it feels pretty normal in it's levels at the moment so I'm leaving it be.
Summer is another mixed bag because on one hand I can finally catch up with that sleep I lost in term time, but this summer is very different to any other one I've encountered during my 18 year long stay on this planet. I have nothing to do... at all... My University hasn't given me any reading lists and my friends are all busy with family, or visiting Canada, or Scotland, or hanging out with friends who aren't me, *winky face*, (the winky face looks weird on a blog post) and work don't need me to do much overtime especially seeing as I am leaving in a month! (Yaaaassss!!!) so I have nothing to do, but sit at home and contemplate life as we know it... or as I know it... hence this random ramble post. (If you're still reading then congratulations)
On the other hand... I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! And this could be one of the last times I ever get to enjoy that feeling. Once Uni starts up I'll have summer work and because I'm spending less time with friends and family from my hometown they will want to hang out. For now I'm definitely trying to enjoy my own individual peaceful relaxation time (I'm an extrovert so this si my kryptonite) before moving into halls (lord help me) (at least I have an en suite!) AND I WENT TO BERLIN WITH THREE OF MY BEST FRIENDS SO... I can't complain too much.
But yeah, Summer is both great and horrible this year. I don't know man, maybe I'm just being a spoiled teenager right now.
I think I'm going to wrap this up now because I have been typing for ages and I'm tired. (I haven't proofread this because (like the title says) this is a ramble and I just wanted to write as thoughts came to me. There is no real structure and now clear train of thought for what I have written. I hope you enjoyed it (if you even read it all)
As always, feel free to comment below anything you feel like saying!
Until next time,
Stephanie
I'm going to break this down into sections... The first of which is called:
Friends
Let me begin by describing the positives of this aspect of college.
I discovered a great way to make friends. I walked in on my first day and met these two weirdos I now consider two of my closest friends. One of which was wearing a necklace with her name on it (this officially made her the first person ever whose name I remembered after the first time I met her) and this other girl whose graphic t-shirts brighten my day (Captain Obvious being my favourite, Lumpy Space Princess being another as it was the first t-shirt to bond me to another human being (ugh that sounds odd)) So yeah, my advice, do a quick scan of the items of clothing someone has chosen to wear on the first day of college (they usually pick it for a reason) and talk to them about it. They'll be glad you noticed and you'll have found a less awkward way to introduce yourself. BAM! I am the master of making friends (that is not true at all and I can't be held responsible for any mistakes you make)
I also made other friends, but most of my close friends remained the same as they all came to the same college as me.
The flip-side of this is that I lost one great friend to the unknown world of the college that you don't have to catch a train to. I always was quite level headed and from a very young age I knew that most of the people you meet in your life won't be your friend forever, but I, admittedly, have discovered that I am bad at keeping in contact with people. I feel weird messaging first on Facebook for fear of becoming annoying and I don't communicate well over Facebook anyway because I have a sarcastic sense of humour and that doesn't convey very well in real life (let alone on the virtual plaines)
This is where my first doubt for going to University comes in.
This September I will be leaving rainy England for even rainier North Wales. I will be attending Bangor University and the thought of being 345 miles away from my hometown scares the shit out of me! Practically all of my family live here and most, if not all, of my friends do too. On top of this the majority of people don't/aren't moving too far away from their hometowns and I feel if I had chosen somewhere closer to home then I would have felt a lot better about it.
(That being said I was going to move to Germany so North Wales is a little closer)
Depression and Anxiety
This section is definitely a little bit harder for me to write so bear with me.
During my time at college I have come face to face with the two-headed beast named Depression and Anxiety and I feel (on my stronger days) that I have conquered it, decapitated it to the point of no return, but there is (and I fear always will be) a little ghost of a whisper at the back of my mind that it could do a Jesus and resurrect itself. University is my main trigger at the moment.
Anecdote time! About a week ago I dropped my bowl of muesli and yoghurt. I never eat breakfast, but my body was craving some, so I gave into temptation and made myself this healthy food of deliciousness. When I dropped it the bowl smashed, and muesli and yoghurt splashed all over the floor and up onto the cupboards. It was at this point I decided to tiptoe around it and sit down on the one clear patch of floor and just cry! I cried and cried and cried constantly chanting in my head how I wasn't ready to be an adult or go to Uni or move out of home. (Yes I really am that pathetic ladies and gentlemen)
Of course I soon realised what I was doing and what it must have looked like and I got up, mopped the floor and cleaned the cupboards and toasted some bread (needless to say I was not in the mood for muesli anymore) and by the time my mum returned from work she was none the wiser to my little incident.
That's just one example. Another one is that I have started buying some supplies for Uni and I have boxed up some stuff and everything, and I keep it all in a closed cupboard. Everytime I look at the boxes in that cupboard I feel sick to my stomach and almost have a mini panic attack. (It's not great when it's the same cupboard my clothes are kept in and I see these boxes every morning.
On a happier note, I did talk to some people who are in Uni or are moving to Bangor like me and they all feel similar and they all seem nice so I'm hoping it'll sort itself out. (If I keep telling myself that does it go away... probs not)
Siblings
My brothers and I have always been a little bit distant from each other so when I say siblings I really mean "sibling" and most specifically, my little sister, whose relationship with me is a little bit touch and go. Like most little sisters she takes my stuff without asking and she argues with me and she drives me up the fucking wall, but like most older sisters I always end up forgiving her and we get back on track.
She is very sad about me leaving University and if you know me at all (even just by reading my other personal blog post... LINK: http://controversy-in-modesty.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/my-relationship-with-working-mother.html?updated-min=2014-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2015-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=11 ) I am very nervous about leaving her at home as well, but I feel like she's handling it by being even more difficult to live with. It feels a bit like she's giving me the middle finger as I leave for 3-5 years, but what do I know? She's a teenager and she has her own problems.
That's all I really have to say on that matter, it's a massive:
? ? ?
Summer
I'm aware I haven't really discussed exams in this, but it's just because there's not much anxiety there for me, of course I'm nervous, but it feels pretty normal in it's levels at the moment so I'm leaving it be.
Summer is another mixed bag because on one hand I can finally catch up with that sleep I lost in term time, but this summer is very different to any other one I've encountered during my 18 year long stay on this planet. I have nothing to do... at all... My University hasn't given me any reading lists and my friends are all busy with family, or visiting Canada, or Scotland, or hanging out with friends who aren't me, *winky face*, (the winky face looks weird on a blog post) and work don't need me to do much overtime especially seeing as I am leaving in a month! (Yaaaassss!!!) so I have nothing to do, but sit at home and contemplate life as we know it... or as I know it... hence this random ramble post. (If you're still reading then congratulations)
On the other hand... I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! And this could be one of the last times I ever get to enjoy that feeling. Once Uni starts up I'll have summer work and because I'm spending less time with friends and family from my hometown they will want to hang out. For now I'm definitely trying to enjoy my own individual peaceful relaxation time (I'm an extrovert so this si my kryptonite) before moving into halls (lord help me) (at least I have an en suite!) AND I WENT TO BERLIN WITH THREE OF MY BEST FRIENDS SO... I can't complain too much.
But yeah, Summer is both great and horrible this year. I don't know man, maybe I'm just being a spoiled teenager right now.
I think I'm going to wrap this up now because I have been typing for ages and I'm tired. (I haven't proofread this because (like the title says) this is a ramble and I just wanted to write as thoughts came to me. There is no real structure and now clear train of thought for what I have written. I hope you enjoyed it (if you even read it all)
As always, feel free to comment below anything you feel like saying!
Until next time,
Stephanie
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