College is a really weird thing to wrap your head around in the UK. It's sort of a University waiting ground, a purgatory if you will. I was discussing it with one of my online American friends and she thought I was complaining about University, but College is not 18-whenever you finish your degree, here it's 16-18 and I don't know thinking about it weirds me out a little.
I'm going to break this down into sections... The first of which is called:
Friends
Let me begin by describing the positives of this aspect of college.
I discovered a great way to make friends. I walked in on my first day and met these two weirdos I now consider two of my closest friends. One of which was wearing a necklace with her name on it (this officially made her the first person ever whose name I remembered after the first time I met her) and this other girl whose graphic t-shirts brighten my day (Captain Obvious being my favourite, Lumpy Space Princess being another as it was the first t-shirt to bond me to another human being (ugh that sounds odd)) So yeah, my advice, do a quick scan of the items of clothing someone has chosen to wear on the first day of college (they usually pick it for a reason) and talk to them about it. They'll be glad you noticed and you'll have found a less awkward way to introduce yourself. BAM! I am the master of making friends (that is not true at all and I can't be held responsible for any mistakes you make)
I also made other friends, but most of my close friends remained the same as they all came to the same college as me.
The flip-side of this is that I lost one great friend to the unknown world of the college that you don't have to catch a train to. I always was quite level headed and from a very young age I knew that most of the people you meet in your life won't be your friend forever, but I, admittedly, have discovered that I am bad at keeping in contact with people. I feel weird messaging first on Facebook for fear of becoming annoying and I don't communicate well over Facebook anyway because I have a sarcastic sense of humour and that doesn't convey very well in real life (let alone on the virtual plaines)
This is where my first doubt for going to University comes in.
This September I will be leaving rainy England for even rainier North Wales. I will be attending Bangor University and the thought of being 345 miles away from my hometown scares the shit out of me! Practically all of my family live here and most, if not all, of my friends do too. On top of this the majority of people don't/aren't moving too far away from their hometowns and I feel if I had chosen somewhere closer to home then I would have felt a lot better about it.
(That being said I was going to move to Germany so North Wales is a little closer)
Depression and Anxiety
This section is definitely a little bit harder for me to write so bear with me.
During my time at college I have come face to face with the two-headed beast named Depression and Anxiety and I feel (on my stronger days) that I have conquered it, decapitated it to the point of no return, but there is (and I fear always will be) a little ghost of a whisper at the back of my mind that it could do a Jesus and resurrect itself. University is my main trigger at the moment.
Anecdote time! About a week ago I dropped my bowl of muesli and yoghurt. I never eat breakfast, but my body was craving some, so I gave into temptation and made myself this healthy food of deliciousness. When I dropped it the bowl smashed, and muesli and yoghurt splashed all over the floor and up onto the cupboards. It was at this point I decided to tiptoe around it and sit down on the one clear patch of floor and just cry! I cried and cried and cried constantly chanting in my head how I wasn't ready to be an adult or go to Uni or move out of home. (Yes I really am that pathetic ladies and gentlemen)
Of course I soon realised what I was doing and what it must have looked like and I got up, mopped the floor and cleaned the cupboards and toasted some bread (needless to say I was not in the mood for muesli anymore) and by the time my mum returned from work she was none the wiser to my little incident.
That's just one example. Another one is that I have started buying some supplies for Uni and I have boxed up some stuff and everything, and I keep it all in a closed cupboard. Everytime I look at the boxes in that cupboard I feel sick to my stomach and almost have a mini panic attack. (It's not great when it's the same cupboard my clothes are kept in and I see these boxes every morning.
On a happier note, I did talk to some people who are in Uni or are moving to Bangor like me and they all feel similar and they all seem nice so I'm hoping it'll sort itself out. (If I keep telling myself that does it go away... probs not)
Siblings
My brothers and I have always been a little bit distant from each other so when I say siblings I really mean "sibling" and most specifically, my little sister, whose relationship with me is a little bit touch and go. Like most little sisters she takes my stuff without asking and she argues with me and she drives me up the fucking wall, but like most older sisters I always end up forgiving her and we get back on track.
She is very sad about me leaving University and if you know me at all (even just by reading my other personal blog post... LINK: http://controversy-in-modesty.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/my-relationship-with-working-mother.html?updated-min=2014-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2015-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=11 ) I am very nervous about leaving her at home as well, but I feel like she's handling it by being even more difficult to live with. It feels a bit like she's giving me the middle finger as I leave for 3-5 years, but what do I know? She's a teenager and she has her own problems.
That's all I really have to say on that matter, it's a massive:
? ? ?
Summer
I'm aware I haven't really discussed exams in this, but it's just because there's not much anxiety there for me, of course I'm nervous, but it feels pretty normal in it's levels at the moment so I'm leaving it be.
Summer is another mixed bag because on one hand I can finally catch up with that sleep I lost in term time, but this summer is very different to any other one I've encountered during my 18 year long stay on this planet. I have nothing to do... at all... My University hasn't given me any reading lists and my friends are all busy with family, or visiting Canada, or Scotland, or hanging out with friends who aren't me, *winky face*, (the winky face looks weird on a blog post) and work don't need me to do much overtime especially seeing as I am leaving in a month! (Yaaaassss!!!) so I have nothing to do, but sit at home and contemplate life as we know it... or as I know it... hence this random ramble post. (If you're still reading then congratulations)
On the other hand... I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! And this could be one of the last times I ever get to enjoy that feeling. Once Uni starts up I'll have summer work and because I'm spending less time with friends and family from my hometown they will want to hang out. For now I'm definitely trying to enjoy my own individual peaceful relaxation time (I'm an extrovert so this si my kryptonite) before moving into halls (lord help me) (at least I have an en suite!) AND I WENT TO BERLIN WITH THREE OF MY BEST FRIENDS SO... I can't complain too much.
But yeah, Summer is both great and horrible this year. I don't know man, maybe I'm just being a spoiled teenager right now.
I think I'm going to wrap this up now because I have been typing for ages and I'm tired. (I haven't proofread this because (like the title says) this is a ramble and I just wanted to write as thoughts came to me. There is no real structure and now clear train of thought for what I have written. I hope you enjoyed it (if you even read it all)
As always, feel free to comment below anything you feel like saying!
Until next time,
Stephanie
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