My mother is a retail worker, always has been, probably always will be. I don't have the normal relationship with my mother most teenagers have with their parents, but that doesn't make it any less special to me.
Let me explain.
This is a very personal topic for me to address online, but I feel that society often thinks of the types of relationships you can have with one or both of your parents is either very loving and providing or abusive and disconnected. For me, this hasn't been the case.
For as long as I can remember I have always wanted more attention from my mum than I receive, this comes partly from the amount of children she had to raise (3 from my father's previous marriage for a while and then 4 of her own) and the fact that both of my full-brothers have behaviour problems. Add onto that that I am one of the middle children, the results are conclusive, I didn't receive that much attention.
I am not saying in anyway that my mother neglected me, she was brilliant, kind and, above all, she cared for all of her children and this is where the problem lay. Whilst my mum was out working I would be in school, but when we (me and my siblings) were all old enough to walk home and be left at home on our own my mother would take on longer hours and would work for more days so that she could afford to send us all on school trips, buy our clothes, food etc.
During the first four years of my life my mum and dad went through a divorce, I have never been able to remember my dad being a full-time part of my life and a part of me will always grieve that, but we still went round to his for the weekends and slept over every other weekend (Boys one week, girls the next and so on). For my mum this meant 4 hours of peace (which usually meant housework) and then only half the kids to deal with for a night. This did result in me getting more attention than I would usually so I was happier with that, but I never really cared or realised this was as good as it got.
At the time this was all happening I was blissfully unaware of how it would affect my relationship with my mother, as she strove to make sure I had the same chances all the other kids had, in the future.
Now I bring you to present day.
I am working every Saturday, at least, for four hours, earning my own money so my mum doesn't have to take on the hours at work to provide for the family as I can now provide for myself, but she still does because she still insists that I don't have to pay any rent for living under her roof (Despite my offers of money) this is why I say, my mum's intentions have only ever been to care for her children.
However, I would argue me and my mum have a relationship with no obvious signs of love. If you were on the outside looking in the only thing that really connects us is the way we look similar. I love my mum more than anyone else in the world and I am thankful for every day I get to spend with her, but it isn't something we say to each other a lot.
Me and my mum don't sit and gossip about who I like, who is annoying me, any boys or girls on the horizon for my love life. She isn't always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on and I can't rely on my siblings for help as the only two who live with me are younger and don't really understand. I can't vent when I get home if something happened at college that has particularly set off a nerve because I do the dinner every night for my family and, yes, sometimes I feel like a second mum, but without the financial burden. When my sister wouldn't go to school I sat down with her to find out why it was she didn't want to go in and convinced her to go in the end.
I don't want my mum to feel bad for this happening, but the fact is, it does and I understand while I am the one my sister might choose to go to when it comes to emotional support, without my mum I wouldn't have been able to go on all of the school trips I went on and I probably wouldn't have my friends I have now as the independence and confidence I have gained from taking on the role in my family I have taken on is a huge part of my personality.
I digress.
The point is, me and my mum have a complicated relationship that works as almost equals, until I do something wrong then she is the parent and what she says goes. All I can hope for is that, once I have moved out and my siblings are earning their own money, my mum can cut back her working hours and relax because she has done so much for me and I couldn't possibly thank her enough.
As I am literally crying I say to you, find someone you love and tell them. I am trying to build up a new relationship with my mum where I can go to her for gossip sessions like my friends inform me they do with their respective guardians or find the time to sit with her and chat, but it is hard work and I think people are often too focused on their own lives to look at the relationships they hold with those closest to them.
As always if you have any questions then feel free to ask me,
Until next time,
Stephanie
No comments:
Post a Comment